Just One More Step

I wrestled for some time with my options of buying a tassel for my cap at graduation or making one to avoid wasting materials and supporting prison labor. I know this connection sounds like a stretch, but it isn’t an uncommon struggle for me in most situations. This inner turmoil from weighing daily conveniences with the horrors of our consumer society is something I am all too familiar with after venturing into Environmental Studies. With graduation just days away and the majority of my preconceived ideas shattered, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on this change from passive consumption to continually practicing mindfulness. Looking back on the person I was before this process, I can truthfully say that every second was worth it. The closer I get to walking across that stage, the more capable I feel of taking on this world critically, equitably, and with a fire that I will refuse to let go out.

I eventually caved from lack of time and purchased a tassel from the campus bookstore. Looking down at the year “2018” I couldn’t help but become overwhelmed. I had no idea the weight I would feel from holding this simple bundle of thread. On the way to my car a few silent tears ran down my face as I thought about being 5 years old attending my dad’s graduation party. Memories flooded my mind of feeling so small in university hallways, quietly attending advisor meetings, and exploring the beautiful grounds of the campus on my bike. He went back to school to pursue what he cared about and 18 years later I can finally say the same. When I close my eyes, I can still see his tassel that read “2000” which hung in his office for years afterward.

It’s been eight years now since my dad passed away. It’s a strange feeling to finally accomplish the one thing I know he would have wanted and to experience his pride through something so simple as a graduation tassel. I wish I could explain to him how different this experience has been than even what he had hoped for me. I want to tell him how prepared I feel to articulate what I know and how comfortable I am to make clear what I don’t. I would love to debate and discuss with him the multifaceted structures that exist in the world and the tools I believe I now possess to help change them. I even long for the arguments I know we would have had during my grappling to understand material he would have joked about.

I would really like to tell my dad about my new job as a Keeper Aide at the zoo. He would already know how monumental that is for me. What would be interesting would be trying to explain that this step means something different to me now than it used to. It’s so odd to make it to this step that should be the beginning of everything I ever wanted, and now it’s just one more step on this ever-expanding path I’ve found myself on. The voices I hope to elevate and the impacts I expect to be a part of are so much bigger than just me. My ambitions and involvements are constantly changing and growing in unexpected ways that I am so excited for.

I am more aware now than ever that there is so much I don’t know and so much that I will continue to learn. I wouldn’t trade my experiences in ENST for anything and to all of you who have been a part of them, thank you.