Processing--Humaning

Impact

Pressure

Force

":To have an impact - Often used with on

:to impinge or make contact especially forcefully"

(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/impact).

"What impact do I hope for my capstone to have?"

Impact seems like a strong word choice. Forceful, full of pressure.

One student doing their service learning project at University of Amherst, Massachusetts, asks "how can I have the ideal impact with only 4 hours a week of service?" (9). Service, like service industry, right? We want to leave a mark, help create/co-produce change (whatever that means), do something against the evil imperialist system of white suprema[cis]y-patriarchy-oligarchy-capistlist system (credit goes to Bell Hooks on her use of Imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy which describes the intersectional forces of domination).

How will we do this? 

Where do I even begin?

 I can't speak for anyone else except myself, but I entered college because I believed that I could tackle this system. That with these privileges I should use them to dismantle, deconstruct, and reconstruct the imperialist! (Of course without the knowing of such terms yet). This is the privileged-liberal perspective, right? Fuck striving for the Amerikkkan dream, I was dreaming in college that some how going here would fulfill the check mark boxes to say

ABRA-KADABRA! 

Poof....then capitalism would fall to its knees in some spectacular, sensational swoosh.

Now near the end of my undergraduate experience here at HSU, I'm still wondering how exactly I'm going to do this. In fact I can't do this. It's going to take a lot more than knowing the right words. It's not going to be as sensational as any movie, nor will it be in one day. I entered here with agency, with the mindset that direct action will be the driving force. I learned through classroom discussions, readings, going to standing rock, participating in tree sits and blockades, marching and shouting, that this isn't the only way. I'm realizing "we don't have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change" (Zinn 86). The revolution is in process, has been in process, and will be on going. It's interdisciplinary, multi-generational, and international. This movement requires people from a myriad of positionalities and skill sets to help out. It's taken until now to understand that.

"An artist can choose to bring a creative work into existence, or to work on bringing 

                                         themself into existence through creativity. 

Not by producing works of art, 

but by living creatively                    -                    life as art. 

The world is not simply happening to us                                - it is up to us to ensure that we create situations where we                                    are happening to                                           the world"

-Tameka Careen. No Bound Destination

This capstone experience is about thoughtful experimentation - enjoying what I do, being adaptable to my change interests, while also applying the knowledge accumulated with my skill sets. Zinn states we need to "understand that even when you don't 'win,' there is fun and fulfillment in the fact you have been involved" (79). With being self-centered, I ask, "what do I enjoy doing?", and once I can answer that, I can apply it to what environment, community, and earth needs. Like framing the ENST lens towards almost everything we do. The impact I'm looking to create is on myself and my surroundings - the group and people I work with. Even if I don't find the Cinderella fit for this experience, I can still apply the skills garnered to see how it feels, if this is something I can continue walking in.

I've felt a pressure to be urgent, work hard, go to every meeting, action, and planning. Watching folks around me do this paired with the reality that some never really get rest because every day they face some form of structural violence; I feel the need to not stop. This has led to great highs and lows, to burn out, to exhilaration, to caffeine fueled hazes, to reflection and slowing down. I'm realizing that "we don't have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change" (Zinn 86). I'm better realizing where I can help out, not take up too much space, while also making sure to not be utterly quiet. I'm working towards praxis, the integration and application of theory into action, and whoof does it feel good.