Powerlessness and Pessimism

In our last class discussion, when the question, “Who uses the feeling of powerlessness as an excuse not to do anything?” arose, I felt my subconscious fear bubbling up to the surface. As the question was discussed among the class, I felt like there had been spotlight cast down on my seat, exposing my current struggle with being an environmentalist - forcing myself to acknowledge and deal with the question at hand. During freshman and sophomore year at HSU, I felt overwhelming passionate about environmentalism, climate change, and my role in how I was going to prevent it. I’d make it a point to read assigned readings at least 3 times with a highlighter and pen in hand in an effort to fully grasp the concepts. I’d fall asleep to audiobooks and attend seminars concerning the environment to try and better understand how we could fix it. I felt that if I accumulated enough data on the issue, I could be better suited to be of use in solving the problem. I never felt as though I would be able to solve it on my own, but I at least wanted to be well informed enough to feel as though I was capable of making somewhat of a contribution. Moving away from Humboldt State, my junior year took place in South and South East Asia. I landed in Bengaluru’s international airport in India in the early hours of the morning and proceeded to take the hour and a half long drive to my hostel. On the way, I witnessed burning buildings and trash, mothers and their children wandering around the slums, and animal waste building on the sides of the road. I rolled down the windows of the taxi and couldn’t make out the sun rising through the thick smog. In that moment, it was clear to me that all the extra hours of reading, audio books, and seminars couldn’t have prepared me for the feeling of being completely and totally overwhelmed. The amount of environmental degradation and human suffering I witnessed was debilitating. The orphanage I worked at was going to close due to lack of funding, the children on the street I lived on were begging, and the caste system was preventing people from progressing. I felt paralyzed in feeling that there was too much to do and too little I felt like I could change. Not to mention the feeling as though I did not want to be perceived as a “white savior.” The suffering around me was too grand, and in response, I felt powerless and shut down. I continued to try, but my pessimism around how impactful my actions were grew. I return now a year later feeling similarly. The problems of the world seemed too scary, and I was ready to tap out. Simultaneously, I felt my dwindling passion to fight was stripping me in my ability to consider myself of being a “true” environmentalist. I started to wonder if this was my path, being more than 3 years already into my major.  With my capstone project, I hope to find my way again. Although struggling with my pessimism, I couldn’t imagine being in any other line of work. By working alongside Redwood Coast’s CCA, I hope to get a better idea of how I can be a more productive member of the environmental community in my personal and professional life without the daunting feeling of pessimism.