Let It All Out

by Robert Johnson

When I look back to specific events in my life, I obtain only bits and pieces of these memories. Some are more vibrant than others. As the last two years have progressed, I have been questioning, what will I remember most? I embedded this thought within my everyday habits, so that I could try to remember everything. The smallest details of my day, to conversations, stressing for tests, moments sitting on a bench soaking up the sun, long drives, songs that made my day, banana slugs and northern spotted owls. The memories go on; for now at least.

Similar to the past events, I imagine that time will disconnect the smallest memories, and I will retain the ones that were more impactful. But I won’t know which memories those are, until the latter presents itself. I don’t want that to happen.

In all that we learned at HSU, Environmental Studies taught me that expressing my emotions is okay. As simple as this sounds, this is not an easy feat. Before HSU, this was difficult for me. Little did I know that I walked a path that was leading towards social loneliness, negative feelings, and confusion of truths about our human conditions. My confidants in ENST truly helped me identify those emotions, and how to relate and process them, within myself and towards society. Emotions are information that need to be released. My communication has been more open, and my ability to retain the information has increased, due to adjusting my attitude for awareness and attunement to another’s feelings. This was not the education I was expecting, but is the education I needed. This memory is so impactful, that it trickles down into a web of moments at HSU.

Another impactful memory was my service learning as a Firefighter this semester. I took these emotions and the knowledge I have retained, and applied them to a position of immense responsibility. This career banishes ego’s and selfishness. It provides perfection in communication, teamwork, preparation, and emotional strength. Taking the Fire Academy was an eye opener. But to actually be out there witnessing scenarios that we really don’t want to see, will be another true test.

My goal after college is to write about it all. From the beginning to the end. I saved all my work, from which I can use for reminders. I have better developed my habits to reintroduce the information continuously, in order to retain it. Most importantly, it takes regurgitating it to truly embed it. Others should know what I experienced. Others should know what we all experienced. This is how I will never lose these memories. I will continue to deconstruct the shit out my time here at Humboldt State University.

Thank you all for being there and producing some of the best years of my life.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

Maya Angelou

Manifesto: We Are All Masters of Our Own Destiny

I have been a college student for six years, four of which I spent at Columbia Community College in Tuolumne county, California. There, I was separate and oblivious to disproportionate effect of environmental degradation on people who didn’t look like me. Being from a rural area with little diversity and completely void of difficult conversation about race, culture, and injustices, I was blind to my privilege. The latter two years of college I have spent here at Humboldt State University as an Environmental Studies(ENST) student where I have been fortunate to be part of a cohort and program that critically analyzes environmental issues through a social lens; Considering power, privilege, economics, and culture when attempting to find solutions to the various monumental ecological crises we face as a species today.

Our professor posed a series of deep and challenging questions for us to consider when writing our manifesto, the summarization of our undergrad academic journey and the “cap” to our senior capstone course, but truly the beginning of a whole new journey, for all of us. This is my attempt, by reaching back through the years of life and school, pain and joy, to answer these questions and stake claim to my vision for the future. The term social change agent was first used in 1965 when the Canadian University Press, a cooperative of student newspapers, revised its statement of principles to reflect what it thought a student’s role in society should be during the civil-rights revolutions of the time. I believe their definition isn’t even worth sharing because it’s something that people were practicing before the term was defined, and every generation will adopt their own definition of this term through action.

            I do see myself as a social change agent, and I will explain what that means to me on a personal level. By simply being aware of and talking about the vast amount of environmental and social injustices occurring right now, as I sit in this coffee shop and sip my latte, I am creating social change. Now I know many people would disagree with this by claiming that change takes radical action, or that change takes social movements, and in some cases, they may be right. But if there is anything I’ve learned as an ENST student it is that change comes in many forms and can start in the smallest of ways. One conversation, one act of kindness, one idea, large or small, has the power to fundamentally alter the fabric of existence. To cause ripples in the entangled web of our lives on this planet. As some students have done before in their manifestos that I am blessed to have read, I will harken back to Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown and the concept of fractals, an idea that represents how like crystal growth or galaxy formation, our actions perpetuate each other and grow upon each other in ways we could never imagine.

            So, yes, I do believe I am a social change agent, but that doesn’t mean I will stop learning or growing and that doesn’t mean others can’t also cause deep and lasting change. We all have the power to create positive and noticeable social change, its weather or not we believe in that fact. For my capstone experience I decided to do a community-based service learning project and had the privilege to work with Greenway Partners, an engineering firm that doesn’t just design eco-friendly structures but also focuses on social responsibility and building community. Now, I am no engineer, but I am an advocate for social responsibility, so this company had a place for a student like me and I a desire to work with them. What drew me to this community partner was their work with a local tribe, the Hoopa Valley Indian Tribe of Hoopa, CA. As an HSU student I have became immersed in the strong presence of the native tribes of the area and have taken numerous Native American Studies courses. I made a friend in my cohort, Matthew Marshall, a member of the Hoopa Tribe, and was welcomed in his beautiful mountain home where his ancestors have lived for over 10,000 years.

Hoopa Valley, CA.

 

            Through spending time in Hoopa and learning about their culture, I realized this was the right path for my capstone experience. Greenway is helping the Hoopa Tribe establish their own tribally owned and operated grocery store after a chain pulled out of the remote valley in 2016, an ambitious and historical achievement. Supporting indigenous peoples in their quest towards culture revitalization, and simply acknowledging their distinct cultures is one step towards creating environmental justice in this country. There are deep wounds left over from colonization that need to be healed, for the conqueror and the conquered. That is one problem in the world I hope to get involved with and hopefully make better. My capstone experience made me realize many things, the most important of which is that I am capable on manifesting what I want for the future. What I mean by that is only by having a positive attitude while speaking one’s desires and vision into existence is what leads people to attaining the things they truly desire. We are all masters of our own destiny.

            Another important thing I learned from my capstone supervisor at Greenway, Aristea Saulsbury, an amazing woman, is that asking great questions is what makes great leaders and therefore leads to the best possible answers and solutions. She had me read a book titled Leading with Questions: How Leaders Find the Right Solutions by Knowing What to Ask by Michael J. Marquardt. It couldn’t have been more perfect timing for me to grasp the importance of questions, as I am graduating and wondering what I will do next with my life and how will I use my ENST education to shape my future and the future of others. Its time I start asking myself and the world around me some tough questions.

 

Special thanks for Dr. Sarah Ray for her guidance, support, love, and great questions. Also, special thanks to Loren Collins for his infectiously positive attitude and undying zeal to defeat the capitalist system and help students find their true passion and purpose. And, thanks to all those who have helped me along the way. Friends, family, enemies, everyone who has influenced and encouraged me, you will all be a part of me forever.

 

Believe in Hope and Persevere when all seems Impossible!

Time has flown by from the first day I set foot on HSU campus and things definitely changed from that day on. I started as a Wildlife major and after a year gone by almost, I changed major to Environmental Studies. Truthfully I was heartbroken that my dream of working with animals faded. I wanted to still take wildlife classes and choose my emphasis in the Environmental Studies major conservation and ecology. I remembered the bright light filled room of ENST 120 class and feeling overwhelmed not knowing exactly what this major could teach me. Throughout the years my athletic participation on both cross country & track and field team has been a part of my up and downs at HSU. I am hard on myself more than I would ever like to admit and it causes stress all around in my life. I want to succeed in all areas of my life and ENST gave me a view of how to balance the importance of self-happiness. From the first ENST class to this last Capstone class every single ENST class put a lot of weight and value on self-care. I never grappled the full effect of being thrown all this negative material about the reality of our earth, the system we live in, and much more. I admit I put up a wall to block my anxiety, fear or hurt. I tend to put on a solid unphased front when around people and truthfully ENST has helped me know its ok to feel and cry in front of your classmates. Remembering my presentation in ENST 395 talking about a paper I wrote and the passion as well as personal information that I shared with the class because I allowed myself to trust. Trust that my fellow classmates and friends be understanding and there for me if I did cry or unable to complete the presentation. When I am passionate about what I talk about my feelings heighten and my walls fall.

The capstone class this semester been an amazing experience in so many ways. Getting to know so many locals, and be apart of adult meetings and having my opinions heard in board meetings was gratifying. I felt more empowered through the semester and I felt I was making a real difference in my life when working at my learning service project location. I did an internship with Trinidad Coastal Land Trust and the office was located in Trinidad, CA. I was very fortunate to have received the position and Overall it changed me for the better. I am more confident now speaking to a higher authority and other adults who have more experience than myself. I learned to navigate excel even more than before plus know the importance of connections with other businesses, etc. Truthfully this semester I was in conflict with my parents and coaches more than ever in my life. I was given a choice and the answer I would give either be angering the coaches or my parents. I choose to finally choose for myself and my own goals. I give credit to my friends, and this class teaching me the importance of having my own ideas, mindset, and be determined to reach a goal many maybe doubting you on. Ending this semester is bittersweet because so many are leaving and there is so much yet to finish up also mend broken connections. I thank ENST for giving me the strength, wisdom to go forward with my life goals. This world cannot be fixed overnight but I am determined to be a part of keeping it healthy and thriving with wildlife. I know my thoughts and doubts of, humanity as a whole can/cannot save our earth but if we can really make a difference as an individual in this world believes in hope.

Manifesto

A social change agent steers others to desire and choose what is good, true, and beautiful. A social change agent is someone who has the courage to take on this world with aims to defend the dignity of the human person. It is someone who lives by example and not just by words. In good deeds, a person is likely to create lasting changes to counter the greed that abounds among large businesses and corporate owners. When I think of agent, I think of acting out of the free will. It is using that will to choose to do good to combat the greed that runs the world. I will intervene by loving in the smallest ways. Throughout my time as an ENST major, I realized that I do not have to do grand gestures to make a change but, to do “small things with great love,” as Saint Therese humbly said.

I want to impact those in healthcare and get them to realize that everyone deserves healthcare. When all is said and done, I take with me a deeper appreciation of the importance of a narrative. There are so many narratives that shape our world today and I leave HSU with a zest to learn more while humbly acknowledging I cannot know everything. Capstone has revealed to me that the ENST lens is a tool necessary to navigate through the world especially recognizing the harsh realities. For example, some people prefer profit over people, many come from a privileged background and do not recognize it, and science is not the end of all things. I would not feel fully alive if I did not speak up against injustice. ENST has equipped me with the tools to discern right from wrong.

Working at the Mad River Community Hospital for Service Learning was a wonderful opportunity. It has solidified my choice to pursue a second degree in Nursing. During one of my shifts, a patient entered the emergency room screaming because she was in so much pain. Her homecare nurse quit and left the bedridden woman to herself. I watched from a distance how one nurse tended to the woman’s physical needs. There lay a patient who could not physically care for herself, yet a nurse who did not know her readily remedied the wounds. I was inspired by the corporal work that the nurse took on because another chose to leave. Another example that shaped my world was at the bedside of a dying patient. I was up-front and personal with the woman on her deathbed. It was a turning point that made me realize that the worse people anyone can think of are mere humans. I would not want to wish death on a person.

In this capstone, I was able to recognize that there are many narratives that shape our world today. Furthermore, it is hard to define how the notion of social change in my life has manifested without factoring in the God who created me. Being a social change agent is made more worthy when I put my faith in God with whom anything is possible. It is through the virtue of charity that I aspire to live with unconditional love towards my neighbor. The impact, I made through service learning is that I helped nurses who are in the front lines of wound care. I did so by restocking the medicine room, which made sure they were readily supplied with the items they needed to care for patients. I also prepared Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) kits. Furthermore, I have learned that there is power in the act of  observance. Part of my job description was to do hand-hygiene observation where I recorded how many times the staff would clean their hands. The staff is supposed to wash their hands each time they enter and exit a patient’s room to prevent the spread of viruses. It was intriguing because I recognize how much observing I also do in ENST classes, mostly absorbing the many ideas in the class.

My capstone expectations were both exceeded and shifted. I used to think that because I am getting into a different field, then ENST is a total waste of time, but it is not. It is a helpful tool that has equipped me with interdisciplinary knowledge. I can confidently say I know a little bit about anthropology, power and privilege, economics, environmental research and writing, and tools in geospatial analysis. More specifically, the analysis of power and structure addresses the importance of not letting my own biases to keep me from helping another person in need, or to be misled by another person’s viewpoint by putting them in a box. It is humbling to know that there are so many limitations of working “within the system.” Being part of anything successful requires a handful of good leaders. Bureaucracy is part of any organization, yet any good working environment allows room for individuals to be themselves successfully.

My very next steps are to go home, love my family, and share with them the good that came out of my time at Humboldt State University. Shortly after, I plan to take a couple more classes to prepare me for Nursing school. My dream is to become a registered nurse and to support a family of my own. I move forward holding on to the wide array of knowledge the interdisciplinarity of ENST has offered me.

Wrapping up my capstone experience

Reflecting back on my time spent here at HSU I can say without a doubt that switching my major to ENST junior year was the best decision I made throughout college. Going into my capstone experience I must admit that I was not entirely certain what I wanted to pursue with my learning service opportunity. I knew that I wanted to work with a community partner that was passionate about inspiring change in the lives of others. When I heard Beth from the Humboldt County Department of Education come in and talk about the Redwood Edventures quest program I was immediately intrigued. Intrigued over the idea of designing a quest of my own for youth and families to enjoy for years to come that really excited to me. However, as I began to work with beth I started to realize that I would not have the freedom of control over the project that I was hoping for, in that I was bound to the location of her choosing. Working with what I was given alongside fellow ENST student Jonathan Gomez we began to start planning the Redwood Edventure quest at the Mad River fish hatchery. After several weeks went by Beth informed us both about the strategic reasoning for why there was need to make a quest for at the fish hatchery and that was because the quest would coincide with another department of education project the Classroom Aquarium Education Program. Designing a quest at the fish hatchery would provide curious k-12 students an opportunity to have a hand held guided tour of the hatchery where they can learn about the habitat in which their fish came from. Jonathan and I designed the quest and another fellow ENSTer Blake Hildabrand designed the map graphic for us.

Half way through the semester I shifted gears and focused mostly on the classroom aquarium project. I was allowed full creative control over the classroom aquarium poster design for a big fundraising project. Landing the service learning with Beth and the Department of Education was a great fit for me. I was able to strengthen my photoshop and graphic design capabilities, which was a personal goal of mine. Coming into this service learning as a media production emphasis I was in search of real work setting exposure in this field and got just that. One of the aspects I enjoyed the most was having the freedom to go out and take photos and gather video documentation that will be incorporated into future projects for the Department of Education. One of the biggest lessons I took away from this service learning was realizing how essential communication is. When working with multiple people on projects it is necessary to have effective communication so you can rely on each person to do their part so all expectations come together by the deadline. Working with multiple people kept me sharp and trained me to send emails in a professional manner.

As I get one step closer to finishing my college career I can say with confidence that the ENST program help me acquire the skills I seeked to become the social change agent I want to be in this world. As for what's next? I’m looking forward to spending some down time away from school and allow myself to reflect back on what has been the best four years of my life thus far. All in all I really feel that I lucked out with my community partner and had a valuable service learning experience. I was able to build a strong relationship with her and I hope to continue working on projects together in the future. I can see myself hopefully doing an internship with the Humboldt County Department of Education throughout the fall.

Stages of Grief, Stages of Research: Reflections on the Semester

It has been almost 2 years since my older brother, Sage, passed away after many years struggling with substance use. My brother lived with substance use disorder and this shaped so much of how he positioned himself in the world. He was often angry, nearly always in the depths of depression, and one of the most emotionally and socially isolated people I’ve ever known. He was also brilliant, generous, funny, sensitive, and so proud of   my sister and I-- his love tangible and glowing, an ever present force in my life. So much of his isolation and discomfort in his life were due to the fact that his world had largely dismissed and rejected him. Society blames substance use disorder on a failure of   character, a lack of agency, on poverty and broken family ties, a narrative that robbed him of every last shred of hope and trust in himself and his loved ones.  My work this semester has centered Sage, and so many others like him. I know that substance use disorder is many faceted, and I was aware that I could only hope to scratch the surface, but I knew that I had to try. I wanted to explore the systemic causes of substance use disorder and to do my best to deconstruct the harmful and oppressive narratives about the millions of humans that live (and die) internalizing layers and layers of oppression and shame around a disorder that is rooted deeply in capitalism and neoliberalism.

                        

     My research was often painful, particularly at the beginning of the process. Several of the people that I spoke with suggested that this kind of research can act as sort of catharsis, a therapizing dive into suppressed parts of ourselves. For awhile though, it was   mostly just painful-- I hated it, I avoided it, I was angry that I had chosen it for myself. As I dug deeper though, that anger and pain began to turn outward. I learned about the specific ways that people living in rural areas are denied access to recovery services. I learned about the pharmaceutical companies that profit off of humans like my brother, providing both the prescription opioid painkillers that act as a gateway to heroin use and the prescription opioids that act a recovery tool for heroin use. I learned about the ways that even as opiate use becomes a predominantly white problem, The country still profits off of blaming and incarcerating people of color for opiate use at astronomical rates. I realized that substance use fits into oppressive frameworks in an important and distinct way,  but that there is huge gap in the scholarship about this subject. The true roots of substance use are complicated, nuanced, differ widely from person to person, and any attempt to pin down explanations tends to result in more frustration and confusion. Never the less, much of the information that I gathered was concrete, widely applicable, and downright enraging. 

Ultimately, I want people with substance use disorder to be treated as humans. I want substance use disorder to be integrated into the wider understanding of intersectional identities and oppressive frameworks. I want harmful words like “addict”, “abuse”, and “lapse” to be abolished from the collective glossary of terms describing substance use. I want people with substance use disorder to have access to effective, compassionate, and affordable recovery and medical services, and to feel the support of community rather than the darkness of isolation under the label of “tough love”. 

My research has only just begun to scratch the surface of these goals, I know, but maybe it will serve to start this conversation among a few people, to turn our collective pain and anger into something a little more productive. If I have succeeded in starting that dialogue, I think that I've also succeeded in bringing a little more light into the world, and that's really enough for now. 

Knowing My Capabilities

Robert Johnson - Blog 4

Before I step off the last rung of the ladder, I ask myself, “should I be on this roof?”

At this point of time, I had no choice. I took the blunt end of the pike pole and sounded the roof by striking the roof surface, looking for hot spots and weaknesses in the structure. It sounded and felt solid. I peered down at my partner on the ladder and gave her the go ahead signal. She was carrying up the chainsaw. I took my first step onto the roof and continued to strike the surface. I then turned and accepted the chainsaw from my partner, so she could approach the rooftop safely. Once she was up, I handed the chainsaw back to her. We needed to progress up the gable roof to the mid ridge.

Time is our utmost concern, for we have little knowledge of the fire progressing inside. Our goal is to minimize the radiant heat in the house, by opening up a ventilation hole that would release gases. So far there were no warning signs of an unsafe roof. This would consist of melting asphalt, a spongy roof, or smoke and fire seeping out from the rooftop.

We stopped five feet before the mid ridge. The roof seemed stable so we chose our location. On the other side of the pike pole are two fork-like prongs. I slammed the two prongs into the roof and layed down the pole, securing parallel with the mid ridge. This enables me to utilize the tool as a footing. My partner is communicating with Incident Command, to verify all locations of our team. Also informing them that we are proceeding on the opening. She hands me the chainsaw and then anchors herself next to my back leg for extra safety precaution.

My mind is quickly assessing all the side variables. What level is our oxygen at? How many layers of roofing is there? What is the wind doing? What is our second means of escape?

The wind was light and at my back, so this meant that the smoke would push away from me once the hole was made. I turned on the chainsaw and prepared to make my cuts. When cutting, the chainsaw must be in a 90 degree angle. The first cut I made was a vertical cut about 4 feet long, away from my body. Smoke began releasing through the seam. I then proceeded to make a horizontal cut on top about 3 feet. This cut is crucial because beams come in play. I angled the chainsaw at about 45 degrees and lifted it slightly. This was to prevent cutting through the beams, and losing our support. I then proceed to make a second horizontal incision meeting up at the bottom of the first vertical cut. The last cut is a vertical incision, close to us, and would open up the ventilation hole. We needed to adjust our position so that we were not directly within the gases and heat. We stepped back about 2 feet. I then began to make the incision, and could feel the radiant heat releasing. My gloves were warming up fast. Vision was decreasing slightly as I was finishing. The roof patch fell in and the gases and smoke burst out of the house, eager to escape. I turned off the chainsaw and handed it to my partner. She slowly and safely made her way back to the ladder, watching every step. I then pried my pike pole from the roof, and slowly made my way back to the ladder, where my partner was waiting, so that we can progress as a team. I took the chainsaw from her so she could access the ladder, and from there I handed it back. The chainsaw always goes down first for safety reasons. I then slowly accessed the ladder and while taking my foot back off the roof, I said to myself, “yes, I should be on this roof?”

Now that the smoke and gases are released from the house, our team downstairs can easily identify the source of the fire and put it out. Not only are they putting out the fire, they are able to see what possessions they can save and can control the amount of water destruction.

FIRE ACADEMY TRAINING - VENTILATION

For a while now I have been denying my potential and my abilities. I stopped expressing myself, my thoughts, and all that I have aquired. What I mean by this, is that my solitude is the crux of my own denial. I limited my access to learn from others, as well as to provide help to those who may have needed me. In the book Political Paralysis, Denusha Veronica Goska brings up a question that lingers with me. Why do we not honor what we can do? I think about this all the time, and it’s very true. I have the ability to connect. To pass on information or take it in. Why do I fear that? In reality I don’t fear it, I just convince myself not to do it. I put myself back in solitude because it’s easy to be on my own. But I know I am only restricting my own capabilities.

In the story above, I could not have completed that task without the help of another. It is crucial to understand that we cannot do this alone. This last semester at HSU has been an eye opener for me. A reminder that everything is relevant and the importance of having people around you, is imperative. I am done denying my own power.